Sunday, September 13, 2009

Nuance Blog: My alphabet stops at letter "I" today

I remember my (re)solution this year. Half of which was a success. One mysterious one got to me... "3. Be more of me". Maybe because the year before I was pregnant and was ruled over by those pesky and need I say ballistic pregnancy hormones. Looking back as early January '09, I'd like to believe I have gotten myself molded into that resolution. The imperfect balance of crass and class and the admittedly impulsive self that I have always made myself to be. How can I live with regret knowing that despite occasional defeats I have come to terms with the word 'I"? Now I know "I" each day, and to think it took me another life out of me to get to the point of getting to know I more. Ironic isn't it? I would like to think that in a war, I would be your 2nd line soldier standing on war battlegrounds. Hoping the first liners are not instantly turned into chopped bloody flesh, but if they do, their mistakes will be my learning's. Then I would willingly allow myself to be of sample for the next battle lines to live by... dead and more likely to be alive. How disturbingly not great some might think. Second liner? I am a middle child after all. Being in the first would make it more stunning or even belonging to the last could still be somewhat defining. However, that is exactly what I am proud of. A proud discovery that I am that. It feels good to be scrubbing my own skin now.

With everything that I have been sporadically told (I refrain from using the word accused) of, most of which are untrue. Funny thing is, I smile as I realize the evil that I have been associated (still avoiding the word accused) with, because somewhere along that dark force was a decision I have made for myself and to be more of me. Besides, had I gotten any close to perfecting the etiquette of niceness then I would be next to our Lord right now in heaven. No complaints here, only too early... I hope.

To the advice of choosing my battles...I do choose my battles. More often than not, I choose them all. That is choosing my battles still. I will subtract as my knees wiggle and swiggle along the line of life. For now, my battles are in good hands and in pretty numbers. I become a fierce fighter only in times of inadequacy. I rarely come prepared. Being right-brained has made me more efficient impromptu. However, when I play with fire, I am ready to get burned. All out (that's why people do not regret). That is the secret to winning despite possible loss.

Yesterday I wanted the cookie to crumble so bad. I could have made the clacker run to her daddy's grave and cry like a river (Thank you JT), similar to what someone else has done. I did make a decision however not to approach the killer-lard and simply deliver a four letter word... no it is wasn't a curse even. As I turned around, I know it will have it's dayS. The days have come for her in (present horrendous) physical form and attributes it continuously (and verrry confusingly) displays. And in total disregard to any management in anger, permitting myself an "I" moment here, I will wait for the day that a quadruple X coffin will be needed to be made for her. Evil? Nope, just your average human being. Boy can I hate! But I can assure anyone, with a sincere (Ehem! spot keyword please) apology, my heart melts. But then again pigs can't fly and hams don't talk. So I'm quite definite I won't be hearing the word "sorry" anytime... at all. it will probably be tuck on some nasty human folds left unwashed. Let me play defense here by saying that despite the vagueness and possible negativity of this paragraph, it is all part and parcel of being an ultimatevich and living an ultimate life. If yours has gone smooth, then that would be bad news for life's theme park and bad sales for your roller coaster ride.

By this paragraph I would have lost you already way too much. Taking you from pillar to pillar with no rhyme or reason that would be of any use to you. And (starting a sentence with a conjunction... tsk! tsk!) at this point I have gotten to use the letter I as rampant as traffic is outside of DLSU taft. I couldn't careless. This is the whole point anyways. Like what I said, I'm a happy scrubber and it is my skin after all. Go exfoliate yours! :)


On a different note: a few more odd postings and the promise of adventure will surely be posted soon!:)

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